Oh the Pain...

    Pain is necessary or so they say. They say pain and hurt inspire growth ( "They" seem to know everything, huh ). I agree with both of those statements but what I don't understand is why people inflict or bring pain upon themselves. Maybe thats where that phrase "a glutton for punishment" comes from. I watch people in my life, heck even myself from time to time put themselves through some ugly and awful shit that could totally be avoided or is just un warrented and unnessecary. 

   I ask myself is it self worth or lack of that makes people hurt themselves and cause that pain in thier lives? To me it seems alot of people, I mean alot are just not happy unless they are miserable. I hesitate to ask certin people sometimes "How you doing?" cause I just dont wanna hear them go on and on about how shitty thier lives are. I feel bad when I hear them telling me but I hear no solutions or effort or hope on things getting better. I hear them out in hope that I can say something or empathize with them to make them feel better, cause I know thats what I would wanna hear. 

  I think alot of people just hit a rough patch in thier lives and have a hard time or don't have the skills to get outta it. Then that situation or problem becomes a way of life because it snowballs because they have no solution or don't mentally know how to resolve it. I get it, not everything can be remedied or solved overnight but asking for help and looking for a resolution are small starting poiunts that we can take. I still belive people wanna help each other no matter how big or small the problem is, but I think the hard part is initially admitting you have a problem then asking for that help or seeking out a solution is where people get stuck and hence the snowball and more drama. 

Pain is a cause and effect emotion, it needs to be fed. Hurt just feels natural in weird kinda way. I never understood that saying "It hurts so good" but I do now. It becomes comfortable to be miserable. Misery loves company and we love bringing along for the trip , the more the miserable. Being happy takes effort, it means having to look and seek out and create that emotion alot of the time. Nothing good comes easy. People with pain mask that pain with drugs, alcohol, food and abusive behaviors to achive happiness, it's instant gratifaction with no effort. Unfortunatly it comes with a price, destruction and all that goes with it! 

We all have problems, nobodys perfect. I've always thought that our flaws define us and give us character and make us strive to be better people. One of my favorite sayings is " I am made up entirely of flaws but sewn together with good intensions" It means I'm not perfect but I keep trying to be happy! Pain can be delt with, it has too otherwise we spin into a spiral of misery which can be overwelming to get out of. If you know someone in pain or suffering endlessly, lend a simpathetic ear or hand, show some empathy, let them know hope and love is there

Age and Such...

Wow, really 3 years that I've ignored my blog!! I have un-returned library books longer than that, and the amazing fact was that it was still here, they hadn't deleted it!! I guess I'm returning cause I have a lot on my mind. I have been in the blender of Hell these past 3 years spinning and spinning around and now it's finally coming to a stop. I will elaborate later on that and all my Hell (most of it is my own doing though). I just turned 52 the other day, I know you're saying "52??? Holy Moley Dennis you're not 52!) Well yes I am and Yes it's gonna be one of those age rant blogs so fasten your seat belts and pass the Pepto kiddos! I've come to realize alot about myself lately, some good some bad and I'm coming to terms with a lot of them. I guess age does that to you. Things are more clearer now, Don't get me wrong the windshield is still dirty but the road is much clearer!

I have things that I wanna accomplish for myself and for my kids but certain behaviors from people get in my way and make it hard! I wanna get them outta my way but it's gonna take time to do it right and cause the least damage! Even if Im left alone "The Last Man Standing" it'll be worth it! I wish I was'nt so heart centered sometimes too, Damn you Heart!!! ( Not you Anne and Nancy...) It really gets in my way! I've made some HUGE mistakes and I'm realizing I don't have to live with them and I can still do the right thing at the same time! I need to have a clear conscience about what I do too, because I enjoy sleeping nights! I see everyone getting older and I wanna yell STOP!! but Time the Avenger never stops, so I will not chase and curse him anymore but rather join the journey along with him. When my Grandparents died I thought I would never get over it, but I did and I came to see all the wonderful things they left me with, The died from ailments but I know they died peacefully and with God and they loved me and that's what matters in the end huh! My heart has been darkened and hardened for the last 13 years and I'm really, really tired of it. I want my free spirit back I wanna be happy and die happy!

Well that's all I have to say about that, If I write more I'll start naming names and saying stuff I don't wanna say, and that's not good! I leave you with the daily affermation from The Help "I am Good, I am Kind and I am Special!!

At the Drive-In...

   So the Oscars are finally over with, blah,blah,blah... It was no big surprise, It was kinda obvious who was gonna win for what. Most of the time the Academy awards are soooo predictable! I, like the good little film drone that I am, watch them anyway. Don't you think it's kinda weird that we watch the film industry's biggest night on TELEVISION? I always thought that the Oscars should be shown at a theatre after all that is the medium we are saluting right?

   I LOVE going to the theatre to see movies. I don't care how bad ass of a home theatre system you have it's just not the same! Going to the movies when I was a kid was a huge treat! My folks liked to go to the Drive-in theatre which in retrospect was so cool. I would kill for there to be Drive-in theatres still operating today! We would take blankets and pillows and then shove my sister on the backseat floorboard and cover her with them while we payed for the tickets at the box office" Two adults and one child" my Dad would say while my sister giggled the whole time and I would kick her to get her to shut up and stay still! My Mom would pack dinner which usually consisted of Fried Chicken, Frito's and some Shasta Cola all tossed in a cooler thrown in the back of the station wagon. Then we had a big ol' paper bag full of popcorn that we popped at the house and had grease stains all over it cause of all the butter and oil! Me and my sister would either sit in the back seat leaning on the front trying to make sense of the dialogue from the Drive-in window speaker that sounded like a tin can walkie talkie, or we would sit on the back of the station wagon tailgate window ignoring the movie and stuffing our faces with popcorn and candy! It was always a double feature,[The Apple Dumpling Gang & The Wilderness Family]  the first film was usually pretty cool but the second one, it seemed always sucked!

   If you think about the whole concept of the Drive-in it's kinda warped! First of all you have to watch the movie from your car and if you're a kid you're forced to watch it with your family all packed into the Impala for 5 hours, It's worse than a road trip! Then if you were lucky enough you got to go to the snack bar to load up on greasy popcorn, pizza, hot dogs, candy and soda. The family fight/argument was inevitable too, usually over talking during the movie or non-sharing of the allotted food! My dad would bring the sixer of beer and was usually asleep after the first quarter of the second movie. My sister was so jacked up on sugar she would go into the sugar coma about the same time. That usually left me and my Mom to watch the rest of the second feature alone which was fine by me! I would chew on the unpopped kernels of popcorn and suck down my last Shasta Cherry Cola all the time lost in the b-movie glory. At the end of the night my Dad would carry my sister in the house all half asleep usually slamming her feet and head against the door frames! We were already wearing our pajamas which I hated because I usually had to go to the bathroom at the Drive-in and do the walk of shame to the snack bar in them!

  Two years ago I took my kids to the Fiesta Drive-In in Carlsbad New Mexico because I wanted them to experience that lost little piece of Americana, It was great we saw the double feature and ate crappy food, they asked a million questions about the Drive-in and fell asleep during the second movie, needless to say I stayed awake! There are still a few Drive-In's left in the US and I heard they are building a new one in Santa Fe, New Mexico, which is so cool! If you have the opportunity go check one out but watch the movie this time! Here is a web site with a listing of all the open Drive-In's in the US. Drive-In Theatre its alot of fun and cheap too!

If you build it...

   Sorry, I've been busy and then my computer of  10+ years up and died on me, two blue screens of death and Goodnight Irene... I had it forever,  I replaced the hard drive and operating system twice and put 3 different DVD/CD drives and 2 cooling units in it, so I guess it had enough and went toes up on me. That's cool, it went above and beyond service, I took it out to the backyard and put two bullets in it and put it outta it's misery. I had a back up computer a friend gave me he's gonna hold down the fort until I can get a new one. I really wanna Mac but it's gonna be expensive and i don't have the patience to save the money for it, I want it now!!! , so I guess I 'll get a $500.00 job and soup it up my way!

  It's funny how the computer is more important than the dishwasher or the dryer, Hell one of those goes out and you do the manual thing. But the computer bites it, it's like one of your kids gets pneumonia, you freak out and wonder what the hell your gonna do, I did! I hate that I depend on it for everything! I've been trying to stay away from it at home but "I keep getting pulled back in", Its my photo album, my typewriter, my mail service , my accountant, my reading source, my encyclopedia, my adviser and so much more! Hell to some it's their lover!

  What I really wanna do is build my own computer it'll be a learning experience and fun and allot cheaper, I've always been a Frankenstein kinda guy so I'm gonna look into that too. Is it nerdy that I can do that, nawww no more nerdier that being able to build your own motorcycle or car, just a different format. In fact that is gonna be a long range project too, build my own motorcycle, I have the resources and the talent to help me, even if I don't ride it a lot It would be so cool. But for now I'm gonna concentrate on the computer, Oh yeah and i saw some plans on the web to build an adobe horno oven from scratch, I'm for sure gonna do that this summer, I'll make it for my parents first and if I like it I'll make my own! God gave me the talents to do cool things and lately I haven't been using them, Life's short I don't wanna live with regrets of a least trying! See ya in the backyard and garage...

The Flu had a "Gripa" on me!

Anyone who knows me knows I don't get sick anymore, I used to all the time, three sinus infections a year and at least one cold! I got tired of it and started drinking 3 cups of Green Tea a day and voila... I quit getting sick, Nothing!!! I was cured It was great I was on a six year bender of not getting sick! Well all good things must come to an end or Karma had its way with me. I got the Flu!! Damn it!!! I felt something coming on last week and was like "Nawwww, Im cool, nuttins's wrong just a little allergy from all that nasty dust! JUDO CHOP!!! I was down like a Lead Zeppelin! Man I had forgotten what it was like to be sick, I was woozy, feverish, vomiting and sweating like Nixon!
   I don't know what happened, actually I think I do. I have been really watching my diet lately I cut eating all the crap like sugar and candy, junk food, sodas and started eating better and less! ( I've lost 15lbs so far) I think it was the less that killed me! I should have been taking a multi-vitamin to make up for all the other stuff I was now lacking in (like Ice Cream sandwiches have a ton of vitamins...) anyway my defenses were down and I picked it up from someone or thing and it had its way with me! I was outta it for 5 days when I finally made it to the doctor on the 3rd day she doped me up with anti-biotic (gimme drugs, gimme drugs...) and I stayed home from work for 3 days, It's the most time ever I've taken off of work for sickness! It sucked, all I did was sleep and watch movies.

Men are babies when it comes to being sick, we whine and complain cause we are used to our mommies or wives coming to our rescue (not at my house...), women tend to suck it up and deal with it. I swear to God this is the last time I'm gonna get sick, I'm going to Sam's and am gonna buy one of those jars of vitamins that's bigger than your head and eat them like their frickin' M&M's!!

Your Karma ran over my Dogma

Karma, it used to be one of those things when I was young that I never really gave a second thought to. Maybe I didn't understand what it was , maybe I thought it was another load of crap lesson to make you behave. It wasn't till I was in my 20's that I started to take interest in it. The Bible sez "You reap what you sow" that's easy enuff to understand but I feel Karma is a little deeper. I was brought up to do the right thing, I did most of the time out of  respect and fear of getting in trouble. Doing the right thing is easy when your a kid the consequences are more scary and so you just did it. As I became an adult I saw doing the right thing was not always the best thing and I became a member of the "Nice guys finish last" club. So I became selfish sometimes and did what benefited me allot. That seemed to work for a while and then I started noticing crappy things were happening to me. I didn't like that one bit, I thought to my self "What did I do to deserve this?"

  Of course in my naive selfish mind I tried to relate the bad thing that happened to the situation or person that caused it and not to the fact that I was being a jerk or selfish with other things and this was my payback. It wasn't till then that I discovered Karma and realized that Good becomes Good and Bad Becomes Bad and the return you get from either is never related to the deed itself or the time you receive the Karma back.
  I'm human just like anyone else I have needs, feelings, hopes, desires and most of all emotions. My heart is a fragile one and I'm the first to admit I get my feelings hurt kinda easy. That goes with the territory of me. Most of my friends know this and I get over it right away now. I still ask for it by doing stupid things and have to pay for it in the end. I am now on a mission to right my wrongs though! The say "When you start out on a mission of vengeance, dig two graves" I don't want to end up in one of those graves.
   Some people feel that you can do a bad thing  and if you do a good thing that makes it even. That's not the way it works kiddos! That's self imposed forced Karma which is bad, because the point is you still did a bad thing, you must pay in the end. You must redeem yourself with that person or action. I've been on both ends and it really works. I have friend now that I never thought I could be friends with again but I am. It's because we made our wrongs right and came to a understanding.

 I cant and won't live in a bubble and think I'm immune to all those things and can do whatever I want, You can't, you end up paying for it in the end and in a way you hadn't thought about.

Righting a wrong is a must do in life. It puts you at peace with the situation or person and just makes you feel good.

Anti-Valentines Day...

I wasn't gonna blog about this because I think most people feel the same way about Valentines Day but WTF I'm gonna do it! I F@#$%&G HATE VALENTINES DAY! Yea I said it... It's not that I don't believe you have to show your significant other that you care/Love them, its the fact that there is ONE day to do it! The way I see it if you really love/care for that person you should show them always not that one day! When  I was a young romantic ( I was a charming one too..) I made it a point to always show that person that I loved them not only through my daily actions but I declared my Love for them outright all the time. I remember always reminding them how lucky I was to have that person and that I loved them unconditionally and I meant it... I would watch them sleep, fall in love with the way they danced carelessly, they were the first thing on my mind when I woke up and the last thing on my mind  when I went to sleep. I was proud to walk in the room with them and and other people knew it and could tell I was in love with her...This was not a Honeymoon or first year, this was how I felt always.

   When you love someone you fall into a routine and its easy to get complacent with the "I love you" as the last thing you say on the phone, or the quick kiss goodbye/goodnight, don't get me wrong the effort is there but it seems to take a backseat to life once the "Honeymoon" stage is over with. I'm no expert on this, who is??

   If you really love that person it should be celebrated everyday, you don't gotta be all squishy and mushy. Remind that person why you love them and what they mean to you. Men are horrible at this unless they are in crisis or trouble, but they will do it if they see you making the effort and see it in your eyes. I don't pretend to have all the answers I wish I did but I just see Valentines as a quick "Oh yeah,I Love You" reminder day. I just think that's its lazy or an excuse or Hallmark and Hershey's guilt you into doing it! It's total bullshit that a card, candy and flowers show love! Bye-Bye Hallmark,Hershey's and Flower Shop, find another zombie...